Twelve Years of Waiting
by SiriuslylvnSirius25
Summary: A retelling of the Prisoner of Azkaban from Remus' point of view. Sirius Black is out of Azkaban and Remus knows more than he is willing to give up. At what cost? Remus battles with memories from his past as he tries to protect Harry and, in his own way, himself. Follows PoA timeline. JKR owns the PoA plot and characters. Most scenes are my own.
1. Dumbledore's Request

The rhythmic screeching of the barrels front wheel became a comforting sound over time. It needed to be oiled, but every time Remus thought about it, he was already in the middle of doing something else, and by the time he had a break to do something about it, he'd forgotten. Such was the cycle of the last few months until he no longer cared to fix it.

He turned the barrel on it's side, adding it's contents to a growing pile of manure. The mid afternoon sun beat heavy drops of sweat onto his forehead. He wiped them away with the back of his hand as he let out a deep sigh. Exhaustion struck the middle-aged man with a vengeance as he took a seat on a block of hay. He let the feeling flood in, knowing there was no point in fighting it. The full moon was a day away and his whole body ached with anticipation. After all these years, the werewolf still could not control it.

Remus sighed again, his head falling into his palm as his eyes closed. One minute. He just needed one minute before he could finish with the job and head home. One minute passed too quickly, and his body protested with each movement, but the former Gryffindor wasn't one to slack off. He only had an hour left on the farm and he needed the money.

Living in the muggle world was decidedly better for the werewolf. He had tried for years after the war, after the death of his friends and family, to find a steady job in the magical world, but the stigma of being a werewolf followed him everywhere. In the end, he had to turn to the muggle world to sustain himself, but even that wasn't easy. He was a smart wizard, but he'd never been educated in the muggle world, and he couldn't control when the next full moon would arise, so he could never find a permanent job. Every few months, Remus would bounce between jobs, sticking mostly to physical work with part-time hours to avoid suspicion when he would disappear for a few days and come back with fresh scars.

He didn't mind it so much in the end. The muggle world gave him anonymity. The physical work kept him distracted from his thoughts. It wasn't all bad, but he missed the wizarding world if he were being honest. Though there was little left in that world for him, his heart always belonged to it. Perhaps that was why he chose to live in an apartment so close to Diagon Alley, though he rarely ventured over. It kept him close, and on particularly bad full moons he still had access to potions that helped ease the pain. He could never afford the Wolfsbane potion, so he still suffered the full moons as a fully fledged werewolf, but there was some relief with small healing potions every now and then.

So life wasn't that bad altogether. There was routine, which Remus enjoyed immensely, and he still kept his eyes on the going ons in the wizarding world. He was content as he was, which is why he wasn't exactly thrilled when Dumbledore showed up at his apartment that evening as he returned home.

The man looked as he had twelve years ago. A long white beard reached done to his stomach, a twinkle flashed in his bright blue eyes, and the very same spectacles he'd worn over a decade previously sat precariously on the edge of his nose. There was no mistaking the man at his door, just as there was no mistaking the feeling of dread that washed over Remus. He knew why Dumbledore was there. How could he not? The news of an escaped convict from Azkaban was everywhere, both wizarding and muggle worlds. Sirius Black had escaped a week ago, and Remus had been doing everything in his power to _not_ think about it. That was about to be ruined.

"Evening Dumbledore," Remus greeted, not unkindly. Despite everything, Remus had always been fond of the man before him. He was, after all, the reason Remus had been able to attend Hogwarts as a child. He was the reason Remus had a childhood at all.

"Ah, Mr. Lupin. I'm glad I found the right place. For being so close, you were rather hard to track down," he responded, bowing his head slightly in greeting as he stepped through the doorway. All of a sudden, Remus felt like he was a schoolboy again in front of the magnanimous form of Albus Dumbledore. He felt a slow wave of failure inch along his body as he looked over at the man. His apartment was entirely too small. The only distinction between where the living room ended and the kitchen started was a change from carpeting to tiling. It took all of five small steps to leave one and enter the other. He had no door to close off his bedroom, just an archway, and there was only enough room for his bed and a single dresser inside. It was smaller than the dorms had been at Hogwarts, and it felt like a shoebox with Dumbledore inside.

"Would you like something to drink?" he offered, too aware of the fact that all he could offer was some tap water. He hadn't gone shopping in over two weeks, and if Dumbledore cared to look inside the refrigerator, all he would see was half of a leftover sandwich and some strawberries that were probably starting to mold.

"I'm fine, thank you. I don't expect to be long." Dumbledore conjured up a chair and took a seat. Remus felt his cheeks redden slightly as he pulled him his lone kitchen chair for himself.

"I haven't seen him," Remus sputtered finally, his eyes drifting to the old man, a fiery look burning behind them. "I'd kill him if I did." The truth to the statement was something Remus didn't realize until he'd uttered the words. Twelve years had passed, but the anger had been boiling just beneath the surface the whole time. Sirius Black deserved a slow and torturous death.

"That is not why I am here." Shock registered on Remus' face. "At least not directly."

Remus' eyebrows furrowed slightly. Why was he here then? If not to get every piece of knowledge he could about Sirius Black out of him? Surely the thought had crossed the older man's mind. Remus and Sirius had been best friends for nearly ten years. If anyone had a clue as to where the prisoner would have escaped to, he would know it. Yet, Remus didn't. He didn't know Black anymore. The Black that he knew never would have done what he did.

"I am here to offer you a job."

"What?" Remus questioned, letting the man's words sink in. "A job?" Surely that couldn't be the reason Dumbledore was sitting in his apartment at six o'clock on a random Thursday evening.

"Yes," Dumbledore stated. "It seems I am in need of a Defense teacher."

"But - why?" Remus eyed him suspiciously, his heart hammering against his chest. "I'm not qualified."

"Oh, Mr. Lupin, please do not sell yourself so short," Dumbledore chuckled lightly. "You are more than qualified for the job." The laughter in the older man's eyes died down as Remus continued to look at him curiously, waiting for an answer to his question. "Given recent developments, I believe you are the only person qualified."

Reading between the lines, Remus slowly comprehended what the professor was saying. There were rumors about why Sirius Black had escaped from Azkaban. Rumors that Remus hardly had the time to contemplate before now. "But, Professor -"

"Albus, if you please."

"But, Albus, you cannot." He paused, trying to find the words. "No one will agree to this...to someone like me teaching children."

"I have already discussed this with the faculty, and everyone is on board." Remus couldn't help but notice the brief pause in Dumbledore's words. Not everyone had consented, the man could tell, but no one dared to fight Dumbledore when his mind was set on something.

"Still, I can't." His mind whirled with all the things that could go wrong. He'd be putting the children in danger. He barely made it through school without harming his classmates. He couldn't put kids at risk like that again. He wasn't a naive schoolboy anymore. He knew the dangers all too well, and he couldn't risk that. "I'm sorry Professor. I can't do what you're asking of me."

A small, sad smile spread across Dumbledore's lips. "You can," he assured Remus. "I have already made arrangements. There is no need for you transform into a fully fledged werewolf while at Hogwarts." The Wolfsbane potion. It was a horribly complicated and expensive potion to make. How was Dumbledore going to arrange access to it?

"But-"

"It is already done." His words were final, and Remus had little power to say no. "You will teach Defense Against the Dark Arts and each month you will be given the Wolfsbane potion." Remus sighed, his head bowing the slightest bit in agreement, and that was all Dumbledore needed.

With a curt nod, Dumbledore stood and flicked his wand. The chair disappeared in the blink of an eye. "I'll see you in September then." And he left Remus alone with his thoughts.


	2. The Train Ride

_A/N: I forgot to put this at the start of the first chapter, but obviously I do not own HP, the characters, or the Prisoner of Azkaban plot. The writing, Remus' characterization, memories, and interactions aside from with Harry are mine. This is the only time I'm saying it except if I decide to include parts directly out of PoA. Haven't decided yet. Anyway, hope you like the story. It's a LOT of introspection with some scattered memories from school, because of course he'd be thinking a lot about that, and I'm absolutely loving writing this._

One week had passed since Dumbledore's visit, which was enough time for Remus to return to reality. This was a terrible idea. He dug through a few drawers, pulling out some parchment, a quill, and ink, and began to write his resignation before he had even started. It did not matter if he could be guaranteed the Wolfsbane potion for each full moon. The parents wouldn't want a werewolf teaching their children. He could hardly get a job as a Knight bus driver because of his affliction, let alone be a teacher at the most prestigious wizarding school in the United Kingdom.

He had to decline.

Remus shook the old ink bottle, loosening the layer of dried ink particles until the liquid beneath resurfaced, and dipped his quill in. _Albus_ , he'd written, but that was as far as he got. His quill hovered above the page, dripping small ink dots onto the tan parchment. There was only three weeks left until the start of term, which left no time at all for Dumbledore to find a replacement. Then there was the Wolfsbane potion. The allure of it was enough to give Remus pause. Would he really be much of a danger in the end? The potion would allow him to keep his mind, even as he transformed. He wouldn't be the monster he'd been since he was four years old, at least not in mind. He could still lock himself away. No one had to know except for the staff. Plus, Defense had been his best subject at Hogwarts.

A sigh parted his lips, and he dropped the quill back into the ink bottle. He was out of practice, that was for sure. When was the last time a defensive spell passed his lips? When was the last time he thought about dark creatures besides himself? Could he really do this?

And Harry.

The wizard frowned, crumbling up the parchment in one swift motion. It wasn't a matter of if he could do it, or even if he should. He wanted to. That part of him that had been tucked away in his heart for twelves years, that still remembered Lily's laugh and James' annoying habit of mussing his hair, needed this. The chance to see Harry, to watch him grow and protect him, was too big of an opportunity to pass. No matter the risks. And perhaps that was selfish of him, but Remus didn't really care. He could learn how to be a good teacher well enough. He could deal with the protests of his appointment, as he always had. He could forget about the danger he was putting others in. He could do all this for James and Lily Potter. He could do all of this for Harry.

The next three weeks passed quickly. Too quickly, as Remus came to realize on August 29th. He'd been able to prepare a couple of lessons and brushed up on his skills, which came back more easily than he initially thought, but there was still so much to do. The following night was another full moon, something Remus was grateful for as it meant he had almost a full month at Hogwarts before his first transformation there, but it meant no more time to prepare. As the morning of the 30th rose, Remus called it quits until he could get to Hogwarts. He transformed that night, and slept most of the day on the 31st. When he next awoke, it was September 1st.

With his life packed away into a single suitcase, Remus Lupin was ready to return to Hogwarts.

The effects of the full moon not two days previous still weighed heavily on Remus as he arrived on Platform Nine and Three-quarters. His body protested with each movement and his eyelids threatened to close with each passing second. He knew he didn't look the part of professor with tattered second-hand robes and the ghostly look on his face, but it was the best he could do.

The wizard dragged his suitcase behind him and hopped onto the train long before the students were set to arrive. He slid the door to the nearest compartment aside, shoved his case into the overhead bin, and flopped down onto the seat.

A grim smile slipped onto his features, gaze drifting out the window. The young faces of his three best friends flashed in front of him. James Potter with his sly smile, untidy hair, and glasses. Peter Pettigrew with his neat blonde hair, watery eyes, and kindly face. Sirius Black. The smile fell from Remus' lips as the last face popped into his memory. Sirius' cocky smirk and brooding eyes had been endearing once, but all Remus could see now was a hidden agenda behind them. A betrayal so painful, he could scare remember the good times they had. How long had Sirius been playing both sides? Remus had asked himself that very question countless times over the years. Every time something triggered a memory from his school days. Every time he saw a man with long, dark hair. Every time he heard the name James. How long?

It was with that thought still in his mind that Remus drifted off, the tiredness from the full moon taking over once more.

* * *

" _I call cheats," a twelve-year-old James Potter whined. Soot from the exploding snap cards dusted his face._

" _You just don't like losing. You're a sore loser Jamesy," Sirius Black pouted. The other two boys in the compartment chuckled, Remus from behind the book he was reading and Peter from his spot by the door._

" _Well I don't like playing with cheaters," James huffed and stood up, thumping down next to Remus and pushing the boy's feet off the seat._

" _Hey now," Remus protested, but James just flashed him an apologetic grin and all was quickly forgotten. Remus shut the book and rolled his eyes. Exploding snap was over, which meant he wasn't going to get any more reading done this train ride. Not that it mattered much, he'd been drifting more than reading anyway. The full moon was in three days, and was more preoccupied with what excuse he was going to use this time. Sick mother wasn't going to work._

" _You look terrible Remus," Sirius said pointedly after cleaning up the card mess. "You feeling okay?"_

" _Fine," he muttered, his usual answer. Dread reared its ugly head. How much longer until his friends found out the truth and ditched him? He'd been lucky they stayed with him all of first year, but could he really expect that for a second year?_

 _James eyed him suspiciously, but didn't push. They stopped pushing for longer answers from him halfway through first year. "Well I know what will make you feel better. Sirius and I have a plan for our first prank of the year." The two grinned maniacally._

" _So soon?" Peter piped in, and Remus couldn't help but agree with the boys obvious reservations. He didn't need to start out the year with both a full moon and a detention._

" _Aw don't be such a wimp," Sirius teased. "It's nothing that bad. Just a little welcome back surprise for the Slytherins." That was all that was needed to get the other two on board. As much as Remus wanted to keep a low profile, he also wanted to keep his friends for a long as possible and pranking the Slytherins was easily the most fun they had._

" _What's the plan?" he sighed, though the smile on his face gave away his eagerness. James and Sirius grinned at each other, bouncing in their seats._

" _You're gonna love this one Remus."_

* * *

Next he woke, the platform was full of students and parents seeing them off. He looked at his watch. Just two minutes until the train was set to leave. It was probably strange for a professor to be sleeping on the train ride to Hogwarts, and he briefly contemplated heading to the conductor's car, but he was still too worn out. Surely there were enough compartments for the students to fill without him needing to move.

Footsteps shuffled outside his door. Remus looked momentarily before drifting back into a deep sleep. Vaguely he was aware of bodies entering and a girl's voice pointing out his name, but beyond that Remus was back to sleep once more.

* * *

" _I told my mum I needed them to for a project. I don't think she believed me, but she didn't argue," James provided as he dug out the items in question; two boxes of exploding poppers. "The range is a meter and a half, so if we place them correctly, we should be able to get the length of the Slytherin table."_

 _Remus took one of the boxes as James handed the other to Peter to look over. It was clear James had already shared this with Sirius as the black-haired boy simply grinned across from them. "I think we should fill them with some red and gold sparkles and make them roar when they're set off."_

" _How are we going to make sure they all go off at the same time?" Remus asked, turning the box over in his hands. He wasn't familiar with them, but he assumed there was either a timer or some touch trigger to cause them to explode._

" _That's the best part," Sirius interjected, leaning forward in his seat. "I convinced my cousin Andromeda to help. She's going to charm them so that they get set off if someone says Snivellus, which of course one of us will do at the appropriate time." So they would be in complete control when they went off, but there was still one major question._

" _And how do you plan to hide these? They're not exactly small."_

" _Actually, this is the best part," James replied, practically bouncing in his seat. "They're going to be hidden in the pies. So they'll get hit with glitter and pie bits." James and Sirius started laughing at the thought, soon joined by Peter, and even Remus cracked a small smile. He could just picture the reactions._

* * *

It was cold. No, it was more than cold. Ice had filled the air, freezing Remus down to the bone. In his sleep, the dream shifted. Smoke. Ruins. James. Lily. A hole was tearing through Remus' heart. It was like he was there all over again. The realization of Sirius' betrayal seared into his skin and the remaining pieces of his heart shattered as he fell to his knees. There were no tears, just emptiness. Everything. Everyone. All at once. The Marauders were gone. It was just Remus now, and for the first time ever, he felt like he'd rather be the werewolf. The wolf felt no pain, only hunger. He didn't care for anything or anyone as the wolf, and if he didn't care, then he couldn't feel, and that was the only way he knew how get rid of this pain.

There was a scream. His eyes shot open, the memory of that night pushed to the back of his mind. He didn't have to look up at the creature to know why he was reliving that memory. His fingers curled around the wand inside of his cloak, and in a swoop he uttered a few words and an, " _Expecto Patronum!"_ A jet of blinding white light shot from the tip of his wand, the outline of a wolf forming within it. He thought hard about the day he realized his new friends would not desert him because of what he was; the day the Marauders became inseparable.

The dementor hissed, sweeping back away from the light and off of the train. Remus was standing, taking in the scene around him when his eyes fell to a boy passed out on the seat opposite him. His heart skipped several beats and his breath caught in his throat. James.

No. Remus shook his head. Not James. Harry. He blinked, taking a deep breath. The resemblance was striking. From his skinny frame to the dark, messy hair on top of his head. He looked just like a thirteen-year-old James with just one small exception, Remus noted as the boy started to wake. His eyes. They were not James' hazel, but Lily's vibrant green. There was no mistaking that the boy in front of him was Harry Potter.

Pulling out of his stupor, Remus jumped into action without another thought. He would have time later to think about James and Lily's son. There were more important matters at hand. A dementor had been allowed on the train and the children in front of him were suffering the effects. "Here," he muttered, digging into his pocket for the chocolate he always kept with him. Some would argue that chocolate was nothing more than a snack, but Remus knew better of the magical properties it could hold. Chocolate made everything better. Well, almost everything.

Once the chocolate was handed out, Remus muttered an excuse and left the compartment to deal with the bigger matter at hand. Why was a dementor allowed on the train full of Hogwarts students?

But Merlin, it was James.

No. He pushed the thought back once more as he knocked briskly on the conductor's door. An old man name Tobias Higgly opened the door, a weary look on his face.

"Start the train. Do not stop again."

Decidedly, the conductor was not the person to talk to about this. Remus turned, flicking his wand to produce one more patronus with a message. _Dementor on the train._ The wolf leaped forward and disappeared into the hills as night began to fall. Dumbledore might have known about this for all Remus knew, but he thought it unlikely. It had been a big enough deal to allow the dementors just outside the grounds of Hogwarts on the Ministry's instruction. Dumbledore had made it clear they were not to be near the students.

For what felt like the umpteenth time that day, a sigh fell from Remus' lips. He was still exhausted, but they were almost to the school now and he couldn't sleep again after seeing Jam - Harry. No, sleep would have to wait until after the welcome feast.


End file.
